personal

Obsessions

Time: 9.20 pm. Place: My bed Music: What the Heart wants by Selena Gomez

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Declan. Tall. Gorgeous by all definitions of the word. It is hard to miss his tribal tattoo on his left arm. His dark eyes linger in shy demeanor behind his rectangular-shaped spectacles. Watching him for 10 minutes unveils his distinct character. How he cautiously uses his index finger to adjust them every once in a while. How his straight walk evokes insolent confidence and how attractive his inability to multitask centers his attention only on you while conversing. Perfect, they would say.

Spending time with him gives access to his being, his soul, his joy, pain and frustration. At that particular moment, we believe that we truly ‘know’ all there is about our new-found hobby. Our minds and hearts are aligned to our preferred ‘truth’;one that clouds our judgement and directs our decisions.

We turn to a roller coaster of bad decisions coupled with the undeniable sense of freedom, adventure and elation but our conscious constantly hails a reminder of the toxic relationship we are in. The need to experience this new emotion and serenity of sorts outshines the need to conform and confine ourselves to societal norms.

This, we contemplate, is life; A pounding heart, indecisive mind and  electrifying  sentiments set deep in cheap thrills.

The endless cycle goes on perhaps in an effort to find our purpose. Until we find that which gives us self-satisfaction and self-confidence, Declan’s texts and calls will always be answered despite this continuous engagement perpetuates a deeper trench of emotional damage.

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Be Present, Be Here

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I don’t have enough clothes. I wish I had her fancy job, this one is just too meh… I want a better phone, this one doesn’t have enough selfie power, *at least for me*. My life would be so much easier if I could just get my bangs right. Life for most of us is a catastrophe without our eyes glued to our screens, our mirrors to constantly affirm our beauty and our arrogance just to simply bolster our entitlement. After all, we deserve all that life has to offer but really according to who?

A friend invited me to a hospital visit this last Sunday and I gladly agreed. Together with some friends we were to visit some kids . I thought it was a great idea to help out and get a chance to take really great snap shots of their work. We got to the hospital about 30 minutes late but everything played out just fine, we were ushered into the ward by one of the nurses, her smile told it all she was glad we were there. The kids were not around, they had gone for the Sunday morning service. We stuck around the ward chatting and getting to know one another.

From a distance, we heard the delightful giggles of children. I walked out the hallway to see them all excited. I was quick to notice two of them were on crutches with their right legs amputated from the knee below. Their faces did not bear pain but joy and gratitude for an extra day with a beating heart.

“Realize deeply that the present moment is all you have. Make the NOW the primary focus of your life.”
Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment

They all walked in and said hi then they rushed to their nurse and you could instantly tell that this was their family. Their playroom had sky blue curtains with Mickey Mouse curtains running from one end to another. Ladybird story books were on the table and the telly was on. We gathered for a word of prayer and soon after the nurse introduced us to the kids. Apart from being kids, all the bright innocent faces staring at us had one other thing in common. They had cancer.

For a moment I had a Universe-is-trying-to-tell-me-something moment when I remembered that the series I was watching at the same time was Chasing Life. I kept thinking, but they are just children, they have their entire lives ahead of them. They should get a chance to grow their hair long and unkempt, roll around in grass and play in the mud. But as life had it, they were here, now and they are incredibly strong children, stronger than I think I will ever be.

The ravaging thoughts never interrupted their love for life. It was play time they were more than happy to show us their playground. They knew every inch of the big hospital, it was their home. They played like their lives depended on it. For some of us, it was painful, to watch so much life gushing from the little ones. It was then that it dawns on you that a beating heart, perfect eyesight , a fully functional body basically is worth so much more than the material things we desire.

They say the eyes are the window to our soul. This proved to be true when the parents arrived in the afternoon. You could see a mother’s love… and pain all in one concoction. As human beings, we lose track of what actually matters in life. Moments like these help us realize that our existence is a blessing. I’m sure most of you won’t read to the end of this long post but thanks for starting 🙂 Live in the Moment.